The Beamer

Still, every once in a while, I'll be hit by profound sadness about the Beamer's disability. This weekend it happens as we're doing our usual walk along the retail street in our neighbourhood. The Hubby always asks "Where to?" but he doesn't have to because he knows. It's always to the other end. To the Starbucks. If the Hubby and I are doing the walk by ourselves it takes about 15 minutes each way. But when we go with the Beamer it's an outing. The Beamer walks part of the way. He doesn't quite understand the point of going in one direction, in a straight line. There are so many interesting things and people to see off to each side and even behind. Many of the store windows have his nose print on it.

On this day, the street fair has brought out all the young families. Strollers and toddlers in abundance. Cute little kids with painted faces, eating ice cream, marveling at balloon creations. Some of the kids stare at the Beamer. They know he is one of them, but not one of them. I cast my love protectively around him. I know it's irrational and completely misplaced but I feel resentment at all the happy looking families with their beautiful perfect looking children. The Hubby and I are pushing our stroller too. But instead of a perfect toddler we are pushing our beautiful imperfect 12 year old. I turn down the offer of a balloon. What's the point? The Beamer would not even notice it. We rush by face painting. The Beamer would never sit still for its application. A freezie is declined. The Beamer would not know what to do with it.

Then, almost to the Starbucks, a woman who I have never seen before speaks to me. She is compelled to tell me that she often notices the Beamer when he's on one of our walks because he always gives her the most amazing smile. I thank her. And I feel a little better. Then I remember at the beginning of our walk that a man had passed us, and as he did he turned to look at me and gave me a very familiar smile. I asked the Hubby "Who was that?" The Hubby had no idea. A little while later, a woman with a little dog came out of a store as we were passing and she also gave me a huge smile. The Hubby asked "Who was that?" I had no idea. This happens regularly when we walk with the Beamer. People we don't know, know the Beamer. The Beamer smiles at them. They smile at the Beamer. Then they smile at us. And I smile to myself.

Sibling love